1.30.2004 • 12:12 PM

I'm in love with Will Hung

There he was, at the San Francisco auditions for American Idol. All those years I lived in SF and our paths never crossed. Perhaps I will post a "Missed Connection" on Craig's List. Some haikus to attract his attention:

Oh baby, Will Hung--
Your voice now stuck in my head.
You stung like a bee.

Sing - She Bang, She Bang!
Waving your arms in the air.
Dance moves so groovy.

Your voice is on key.
Puts Ricky Martin to shame.
No formal training.

Exit so graceful.
Stood up to Simon's comments.
Bright yellow backpack.

You are my Idol.
Where can I get that shirt from?
You're a trendsetter.

• 12:05 PM

SnowRant

BREAKING NEWS: It's a cold, snowy winter here in Maryland. Kids are missing school (I'm so jealous) and snow plows are out on the streets. And now the school system is almost out of snow days and budget for snow removal is gone. They mention this on every newscast. I'm so sick of hearing about it. I need to get back to the real news.

It's the same story every year!! Why not plan ahead, and add extra days and money in? Wouldn't it be great to have EXTRA at the end?! We would all be praying for snow days!

I changed the station to Good Day Live. No snow in LA! And real stories about American Idol and Nick & Jessica.

• 11:21 AM

Good Headlines

Today on SFGate.com:

When Donkeys Attack

Tastes Like (Mutant) Chicken

Pot Law's High Marks

What to read first?!

1.28.2004 • 9:07 PM

BUSTED!


I FEEL GOOD!
It's not Danny Glover, it's James Brown!!
Charged with criminal domestic violence in Aiken, S.C.
Is that town named after Clay?


Courtney Love
Charged with two felony counts of possession of a controlled substance and illegal use of lip collagen injections.


Lola
Busted for Ho'ing, a.k.a. Crimes Against Humanity
Police are still on the lookout for her accomplices, Baby Daddy & Trixie. Please call crimestoppers at 976-BUST.

• 11:49 AM

OfficeSpace: Only 3 Pieces of Flare

Personally, I think the worst thing about the thousands of jobs moving to India is the lack of flare: "Jairam works in a first-floor cubicle that's unadorned except for a company policy statement, a charcoal sketch, and a small statue of Ganesh, the elephant-headed Hindu god of knowledge and obstacle removal. "

1.27.2004 • 5:00 PM

Full Moons & Snow Storms

What do these 2 things have in common? They bring out all the crazy people.

It took me 30 minutes to clear off my car enough to slip & slide my way into the mall during the storm of "wintery mix" on Monday & Tuesday. For those of you who don't know what Maryland weather can be like, this isn't just snow, which is usually manageable, it's freezing rain (rain that freezes on your windshield), sleet (imagine a slurpy falling from the sky), snow, and freezing fog (I just learned about this one, it's fog that is so cold that it causes surfaces to freeze. And I thought SF fog was cold). If you're from Canada or somewhere else that gets a lot of snow, you probably have never experienced a mess like this. A 1/16th of an inch of ice literally shut down the state of Georgia during a similar storm. Schools here got shut down, but oh no, the Mall must remain open to house the crazies.

Every since person who walked in the door yesterday pissed me off. Why? Because if you are out on the roads in conditions this bad, you better damn well have a good reason. There are plenty of people who NEED to be driving. It makes it more dangerous for them to have assholes driving around for fun. These idiots think just because they have an SUV they can speed up an icy hill, tailgating other cars. Then they come to the mall, for no reason whatsoever.

It's also not the usual clientele we get in Brookstone. It's "browsers". Or parents wanting us to babysit their children, because god forbid they actually take a snow day and have an afternoon of togetherness at home. Or city folk looking for a layaway plan on the $4500 Segway Human Transporter.

After being nasty to the majority of customers, I almost lost it with the last 2 of the day.

Asshole #1: Pointed at the bathroom scales, looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, and asked "do you put your feet on here"? Response: "It's a scale. You step on it. (points to the box) Here's a photo to show you how to use it."

Asshole #2: Man looks like a homeless person or shoplifter. His 80's style glasses are sitting at a 45 degree angle on his nose. Tells my manager he's "looking for stuff here and at 'Sharp' upstairs". (translation: looking for stuff to steal). We correct him so then he starts using the word "Sharp" (for Sharper Image) about a million times. Now I have to spend my time watching for his 5 finger discount. He stetches out on the massage chair and tells me he can't hear the stereo. Yeah, cause the volume is down, because 5 other systems are playing. So I turn up the Frank Sinatra, and he tells me: "I don't think it sounds as good as the Bose system I saw AT THE PAWN SHOP. That one was a little banged up. I guess the people didn't take care of it, or the pig messed it up." I've never set foot in a pawn shop (although maybe I will, if I can get good stuff cheap.) Pig -- does me mean the cops? Does he SERIOUSLY expect me to compare Brookstone merchandise to equipment that was either busted in a drug bust or stolen?

At least I didn't get the man from last week who pointed to the umbrellas and asked what they were used for.

1.26.2004 • 10:28 PM

Cake On A Stick

Our field report, Jenny Manilow, strikes again with another amazing observation.

FOOD ON STICKS just happens to be one of my favorite things, ever since I worked at Fatbrain and the Demi Diva & I created a fake company, Kabob International, to use for corporate demos. The Demi Diva did market research into all the different types of F.O.S. and found a plethora of meats, veggies, candies, and frozen goods. Yet somehow we overlooked cake on a stick.

With Martha Stewarts impeding incarceration, might I suggest we all buy these pans so we can get ready to send some Good Things to her jail cell? Perhaps we can use nailfiles instead of sticks.

1.24.2004 • 1:37 AM

Glitter in clouds of cotton candy - Part 2

Earlier when I quoted the Michael Jackson movie, I thought glitter in clouds was totally ridiculous. Yet here it is, glitter falling from the sky. Jenny Manilow reported it was "the most sparkly snow she'd ever seen". I looked out my window and saw a black man walking by. Michael Jackson coming to get me? I think I'm safe, MJ would look like a white woman. I put on my boots to go outside and see it up close. It's perfect snow. I looked and each snowflake looked like a picture. I felt like I was a kid. Or at least in Neverland.

1.23.2004 • 5:30 PM

YEAGH!

Don't miss the remixes: deangoesnuts.com

• 4:52 PM

Good News, Bad News, Mo' Bad News

The Good: Dustin Hoffman will star as Mr. Focker in the "Meet the Parents" sequel, "Meet the Fockers". I can't wait. MTP is one of my favorite movies, mainly because of Robert De Niro's character. If you took the Step Pope, and cranked him up a couple notches, that would be him. The Step Pope has trained his cat, Slick, to go "downstairs" on command. He is also ex-military and spends a lot of time working on secret projects in the back of the basement. My Mom has the touch of cursing every potential boyfriend of mine after meeting them. Seriously. As soon as I take a guy home, it's over. I still can't figure that one out. Mom's as nice as the mother in the movie. She's been known to leave mints on pillows. Maybe it's the Step Pope "keeping his eye on" the guys.

The Bad: Captain Kangaroo is dead.

Mo' Bad: ED's season is ending early and it's on the chopping block for next season. In some ways, it has already jumped the shark, but it's still quite entertaining. I'm afraid NBC will replace it with yet another reality show. I love my reality TV, but I need a few good comedies too. No Friends, no Fraiser, and no Ed would really be too much. I might have to go read a book or something.

• 11:50 AM

Glitter in clouds of cotton candy!

From Atom Films, it's Michael Jackson's lost interview. Very good animation and MJ's description of the world reminds me of the alternate reality of The Virtual Linda Show. Except for the kissing part.

1.22.2004 • 10:51 PM

Where else can the birthday boy or girl have their picture taken in the driver's seat of the ZAMBONI?
Mark your calendars... Oct 7th is my 3rd annual 29th birthday & I want to be on a Zamboni!! I've sat in the Weinermobile, and had a first date where we watched a Zamboni, so this is taking it to the next level.

• 9:41 PM

What You Talking 'bout Willis?

If you aren't watching the WB's "The Surreal Life", you are missing out on one of the funniest shows on TV.

I really can't decide who I like the best. The combo of Tammy Faye, Ron Jeremy, Erik Estrada, V-Ice with the drunken Trishelle and Traci Bingham is just too much. Hats off to the post production team for taking the funniest moments and adding that extra spark. Literally. The teeth sparkle (and ding sound) that appears on Eric Estrada's teeth sends me into fits of laughter every time I see it. The decorators have made a house that looks like my collection of tacky things come to life.

This week's episode was a dream come true for me. Take celebrities (or any demanding person) and make them work in a restaurant. I've actually worked in an upscale diner and have eaten at Mel's dinner numerous times, so I was delighted to see TSL cast wearing aprons and paper hats. Not so easy once you have orders being yelled at you?! Tammy Faye looked like Lucy in the chocolate episode.

Oh, I forgot to mention Gary Coleman was the manager. He had a complete meltdown after Todd Bridges appeared and V-Ice wanted Gary just to say the one line. It didn't help that earlier V-Ice was carrying Gary around threatening to put him in the deep fryer. Gary freaked out about that being his old image and took a cab home.

Here's my one deep thought on the show: V-Ice needs to get over his old image just as much as Gary does. Sure, America laughs at you, but you can be laughing with them. At some point, you laughed your way to the bank. You wouldn't BE on this show otherwise. So chill out, and embrace your catch phrase and funky hairdos. Maybe you'll learn from Tammy Faye -- she spends most of the show laughing like a hyena. Yup Yup.

• 1:03 AM

Stalker Theme Song

My friend Jenny Manilow-Weasley-Greenleaf-Aiken is going to kill me for saying this, but Clay Aiken's song "Invisible" scares me.

It was the first song I heard when I woke up recently, and I started to have one of those weird moments where the music blends with your dreams.

"If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room"

Holy shit, someone is IN MY ROOM! Watching me sleep? That's just creepy! I wonder how they found me?

"I saw your face in the crowd
I called out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make"

Oh, he must have followed me home!! Even creepier.

Come on Clay, according to a recent poll, women in America would most like to take a bath with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and you. You can give up your stalking career and focus on being a Young Barry Manilow. We like you better when we can see you. Naked. :-0

1.21.2004 • 12:31 PM

Blogs have Jumped the Shark

Blog for America? I thought THIS was the Blog for America!

I went to Dean's site to see if they had posted "the Iowa yell". No video, but he does have his Official Blog. He actually has the URL www.blogforamerica.com!! Does he love cheese and tiki bars? So I check it out, and and it's not even Dean doing the writing. He's a wanna-be-blogger. Howie, if you were to blog as well as you "imitate a Tyrannosaurus Rex" then your blog might be considered daily reading.

Take some tips from me. I'm speaking to the people. America is obsessed with Michael Jackson, American Idol, the Atkins Diet and Paris Hilton. They don't care about actual CAMPAIGN issues. (This is why Good Day Live is such a great "news" show).

Bloggers Unite or else it's all downhill from here. Bling-bling no longer was cool after it became an official entry in the dictionary. Blogs will no longer be cool when stiff white men use them to spread their rhetoric to the masses via a third party.

1.20.2004 • 3:38 PM

The memory of Poe shall live evermore!

A mysterious man in black visited the gravesite of Edgar Allan Poe in yesterday's pre-dawn darkness and left a note to accompany his usual tribute of cognac and three roses to mark the author's birth nearly 200 years ago.

Since 1949, a dark figure has visited the author's grave at the Westminster Burying Grounds and deposited a half-filled bottle of cognac and three roses to mark the anniversary of Poe's birth on Jan. 19, 1809.

Just after 2 a.m., a man wearing a black coat and white scarf over his face appeared from the darkness and crept toward Poe's grave over slick, icy ground, Jerome said.

I wonder who this mysterious person could be?

• 3:24 PM

MJ in da House

"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left." —Jay Leno

I really need to get off this Michael Jackson kick, but it's just too fun.

1.19.2004 • 3:41 PM

Watership Down

I think the squirrels in my apartment complex are taking over. There are always 3-4 squirrels outside my window, but I looked out and there are currently 16 lurking below my balcony.

As I've reported in previous blogs (See "Hurricanes, Locusts and Groundhogs!!"), I think the end of the world is approaching, so this is just one more sign. :-)

1.17.2004 • 3:28 PM

Ms. Jackson, You are Nasty



Are LaToya and Michael ever seen at the same place? I think they are the same person. I'm overwhelmed by the fans supporting this freak of nature. What has he done for me lately? It's been years since he's had a hit.

And LaToya? What did she ever do? In case you are wondering, you can check out her website. Opps, it's shutdown.


Better try the holy webshrine and Internet cafe dedicated to the specialness of the most fabulous member of The Jackson Family ™ ... LaToya! (I didn't know "The Jackson Family" was trademarked, did you?) Check out "The Universal Love of LaToya".

Janet Jackson is the only celebrity signed to do the Superbowl Halftime Show as earlier this week. Can you BELIEVE this?? They really couldn't get anyone else? The whole time people are going to be thinking of Michael. In some ways, I do feel for little Janet. But then again, it's also been years since we've heard from her. Give me some Outkast. Their SNL performance with the horsey girls was entertaining. Or Justin. Either one. I'm sure Justin Guarini is free!!

1.16.2004 • 11:39 PM

R.I.P. SassyCrab!

I'm so bummed! My new hermit crab SassyCrab! has died.

SassyCrab! (the ! indicates a snap) will be remembered for her sense of style. While some crabs opt for natural shells, SassyCrab! was bringing back the 80's with her awesome tiger striped shell.

Here she was in one of her finer moments, climbing over Spikely, my other crab.

I've named Spikely after Spike Lee. Let's see if he tries to sue me like he did with Spike TV.

• 1:57 PM

Eye of the Tiger

The lastest twist in the Days of Our Lives' Salem Serial Killer plotline is a Bengal tiger was brought to town by Doug and Julie. Marlena stares the tiger in the eye and has dreams of it doing a Roy on her. I hope the writers have her turn back into a black panther and have the cats battle it out. Now that would be entertainment!!

• 12:51 PM

Joan Crawford's Long Lost daughter!!!

• 10:00 AM

Ho'd Again

Woke up to a radio ad advertising a "Ho Ho Ho Sale". Baby Daddy must have cut my prices again.

1.15.2004 • 11:27 PM

Would you like fries with that?

Fear of mad cow disease hasn't kept customers from eating the deep-fried cow brain sandwiches served at the Hilltop Inn in Evansville, Ind. The delicacy is traced back to a time when southern Indiana newcomers from Germany and Holland wasted little. Some families have their own recipes passed down over the generations.



I'm not sure what is nastier, the brains or that roll! Could they spare some sesame seeds?

The Step Pope is going to be in that area, so place your orders now!

• 1:02 PM

Diva Gone Wrong



Eunice Kennedy Shriver, sister of former U.S. President John F. Kennedy adjusts her hair as she waits for the start of the Emporio Armani's Fall/Winter 2004 men's collection at the Milan fashion week January 14, 2004. REUTERS/Daniele La Monaca

WHAT IS SHE DOING? Is she screwing her head back on? Do the pearls help hold her head in place? She looks like something out of Harry Potter. Did her skin get hit with a curse? Are those Dementor hands? Is she related to Nearly Headless Nick?

1.14.2004 • 11:11 PM

Chip-and-Dip-and-Cheese-Meat Lovers

I went to the Doritos site today after hearing about the new low carb frito lays. Whoo hoo. So what do I find?

PURE POP QUACAMOLE RADIO and SHINY NEW VIDEOS

Huh? Where are my new chips?

There's also an ad for the new ROLLED Doritos. Those marketing guys must just be idiots. Do they sit around and dream up shapes? 3D! Round! Next thing you know, they are going to be inventing a laser to custom cut shapes.

Oh wait, the Wisconsin Cheese Industry has already done that. Thanks to field reporters Lisa and Alan for giving me this scoop.

Scoop! Hey they should make Dorito scoop chips! Too bad Tostitos already beat them to the punch, launched with this great quote from the marketing release: "The unique shape empowers chip-and-dip lovers to scoop up more dip with less drip. It's truly one of this year's biggest innovations in snacks." The whole press release is chock-full of tortilla info.

One last food shout-out to Carl's Jr. -- I never thought I'd be craving something on their menu, but their new lettuce-wrapped burger looks really good. And they were a month ahead of Burger King making a bunless Whopper! This crowd looks like they could use a Six Dollar Burger.

1.12.2004 • 5:49 PM

Pimp'd & Ho'd

Jimmy, Amanda and I went to a pimp & ho party on Sat. I'm proud to have taken 2 Mormons and converted them to street walkers, using items from my real wardrobe. Please refer to us by our new names, Baby Daddy (Jimmy), Trixie (Amanda) and Nadine (Linda).

See the photos here!

Note Baby Daddy's bling-bling, it's my Grandmother's old necklace. Recycle!! Recycle!! Recycle!!

My look is inspired by my alter ego, Nadine Buttcowski. She is 59 and holding, and likes to spend her dead husband's money on cock fights, dog races and bingo. She's also recently been blessed with a "third eye", so for $19.95 and shot of whiskey she'll tell your fortune. For an extra $5 bucks she'll let you pet her Pussy (Cat).

1.11.2004 • 11:59 AM

Bottoms Up


A German brewery has developed a beer containing vitamins and minerals it says are designed to slow the ageing process.
This picture totally cracks me up. Why? Here is this fair-skinned woman promoting "anti-aging" beer, yet she's roasted herself to a nice red color in the sun. The sun! The number one aging factor around. Take a look at the photo (men, look up at her face) and you'll already see the crows feet forming.

Me thinks she isn't drinking the beer to keep young.

I think it's better to invest in a good sunscreen and drink any type of beer you choose. I'm not going to pretend I'm being healthy. I enjoy a nice brew, and sometimes I even get carded. :-)

PS- Gary, this post is for you.

1.08.2004 • 1:36 AM

The Incredible Shrinking Snake

KENDAL, Indonesia (Reuters) - It's still a big snake, just not a record-breaker.

When a recreation park in Indonesia put a huge reticulated python on show last week, keepers insisted to reporters it was 49 feet long. That made it the longest ever caught.

But amid growing skepticism of the claim, a photographer working for Reuters returned to the Curugsewu park in the small central Java town of Kendal Wednesday with a measuring tape. The snake's true length -- around 21 feet.

"I have no idea why the snake has shrunk," said one keeper when asked about the discrepancy, as the snake lounged on a tree branch inside its cage.

****
I know exactly what happened.

It was my friend Mary's birthday, so some other friends all chipped in to get her a present. A baby python. Mary isn't the most responsible person, so I really didn't think this was a good idea.

We were all living on campus at UMBC. I lived in the apartments across from Mary, Andrea, Amy & Theresa. I went to visit and thought it was strange that everyone else was checking under the seat cushions before sitting next to me on the couch. Why? Mary got a litte drunk at the party the night before and forgot to put the rock on top of the aquarium. The snake was missing. I jumped out of the chair and ran out. I volunteered to watch their other pet, Andrea's pet hamster.

A couple days pass, and Mary happily reports the snake has been found. Strangely, it was now a yellow color. Mary & Michael claimed it had shed its skin while out of the cage. What do I know about reptiles? This was before the days of Steve Irwin. I returned the hamster and figured everything was fine.

That is until I heard bloodcurdling screams coming from Andrea's room at 3am.

The next morning, there was a forwarded message on my voicemail which explained everything. Andrea had come home from the bars, climbed into bed in the dark & pulled down her windowshade. She felt something fall onto her, so she got up, and there was Mary's snake, laying on her comforter.

Mary's first snake.

That's right, Mary & Michael never found the snake, but instead went to the pet store and bought a replacement. That explains the color change. The first snake found a home in Andrea's curtains, just feet away from her beloved hamster.

Andrea left a voicemail yelling at Michael. "IT FELL ON ME!!! It. Fell. On. My. Bed!" It went down in history as the second funniest message to ever be forwarded around campus. The absolute funniest message went to Mark Eberhart. His fraternity brothers left him in Delaware after a "Destination Unknown" party. The bus left and someone had to go get him and bring him home from the First State.

But I digress. The first snake was packed in a shoebox to be returned to the pet store. On the way, Mary & Michael went to pick up Maryam at the airport. They started telling her the story, and she got a little nervous when she found out the snake was in the car. "No problem. It's in the trunk and the box has a rubber band around it", they claimed. Yeah right. That snake got out and was crawling around the car. Where that snake wound up was unknown... until now.

That first snake wound up in Indonesia. It grew and grew on pet hamsters till it was 49 feet long. It was caught, but it escaped again. Someone replaced it and now they are using the ol' "the snake shrunk" bit. That's only slightly better than the "it shed its skin" trick.

Beware, that first snake is out there. Better shake your curtains with a long stick before going to bed.

1.07.2004 • 3:23 PM

Mad Cow

"It's been a long time since I ate a tomato that wasn't attached to a hamburger."
- Tony, Dr. Phil's 460-pound nephew

You can get tomatoes with the meat attached? Those Atkins brands are getting a little out of control!!

1.05.2004 • 7:50 PM

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What 'cha gonna do?

I've been a little worried the past few days because I had seen no sign of my roommate, Cheryl. Luckily, she just called. She was in Montreal.

CANADA! Of course! I should have thought of that first. The sad thing is, I have been thinking a lot about Canada, just not as a possible destination. But it is hockey season, so it all makes perfect sense.

I once took a roadtrip to Montreal in January. I don't recommend making a run for the border in a Geo Metro in a blizzard. Especially when your friends in the front seat insist on having the windows down so they could smoke. The front has nuclear-powered heat, but the back windows quickly form a layer of ice... inside. My feet were so numb I thought I had frost-bite and fell into a snow bank when I finally was freed at the Hotel Napoleon. The one good thing about that trip was I could bust out my français: Bartender, "je voudrais une caisse de bière". That's "I would like a case of beer", for all you Yankees.

I once thought I lost my old roommate in Africa. Anish had gone on safari and I thought he was due back on Friday. Late Sunday, he still wasn't back and I'm invisioning herd of elephants or even a hippo attack. After emailing and calling everyone he knew he came home. Phew.

This is all payback for the scare I gave my old roommates. I lived in Columbia in a townhouse that had a door that faced the woods. It was a little creepy back there, especially this night cause the porch light had burnt out. I had come home and by accident left both my keys in the door. When Maryam & Amanda came home, they saw darkness, keys, and no sign of me. I had gone to bed, and I can sleep through lightning hitting the house (true story). I didn't hear them yelling for me. Next thing I know, I'm awoken by my bedroom door being flung open. Flashlights were shining on me and 2 police officers were asking if I was OK. OK... I was asleep!! But thanks for asking. I felt like I was on an episode of Cops. What 'cha gonna do when they come for you? I was thankful I actually had clothes on!

1.04.2004 • 1:47 AM

Deep Thoughts (I saw Mars from Uranus)

Last August I was visiting my friend Qupkake in SF when Mars was the closest it will be to Earth in 73,000 years. He happens to live on a street called "Uranus Terrace" so it was quite entertaining to sit in the street and look at Mars from Uranus. Uranus is next to Mars, so there we were, seeing Mars from Mars. How many people can claim they have done that?

But now I'm pretty excited about the Mars landing. If scientists find proof of life on Mars, how is that going to rock the foundation of all the anthropocentric religions on earth? What really fascinates me is that I've never thought about this before!! Is the Pope going to claim it was all done on some Hollywood soundstage? Can the bible be re-written? Now that would be pretty cool, and I have a lot to say about what I think needs to be changed to reflect our modern world. But I'm not here to impose my beliefs on anyone, just point out that I think we all need to stay tuned and see how this shakes our little ol' earth up a bit.

And how funny is this Martian Crossing sign?

1.03.2004 • 12:52 PM

Croc Kabobs

I've always wanted to name my first born son "Chilligan Kabob". I can't think of a better way to honor my 2 favorite TV characters -- Chachi and Gilligan -- and food on sticks. I'll just call him Bob for short. BoB is cool cause it's a palindrome. He won't get a nickname like Adnil, Ekim or Werdna, but I'm hoping he can spell it by the time he's 1 month old.

Speaking of 1 month old babies named Bob... what on earth was Steve Irwin thinking bringing his little kabob to a croc feeding? When the story first broke, I thought the little baby Bob was on the sidelines, while the Croc Hunter fed a the reptile. But I just saw the photos, and Irwin feed a dead chicken to a 13-foot crocodile named Murray while he held Bob in the other hand. Murray snapped up the meat. Too bad he didn't hold them both behind his back, telling the croc to "pick a hand". Now that would be entertainment.

My question is this: Steve, did you NOT see the famous Michael Jackson baby dangling video? Perhaps the image of his mugshot has erased the earlier incident from your mind. If that's the case, I'll accept it. That arrest photo was second to none, not even Saddam's. And Neverland Ranch is no spider-hole, so it gives me nightmares to think of how Mr. Jackson wound up looking like he did. Whatever the case, Steve, you are now first on the list of celebrity OOPS for 2004.

"It's all about perceived danger; I was in complete control," said Irwin, flanked by his father, his wife and his 5-year-old daughter, Bindi. "People say, 'Well, what if you had fallen?' But for that to take place a meteorite would have had to come out of the sky and hit Australia at 6.6 on the Richter scale like in Iran."

Nice quote, Steve.

Terry said, "It was a wonderful sensory experience for him (the baby). He dug it." TERRY! Are you on crack? Too much sun? Baby Einstein makes a great series of DVDs for kids that also are "wonderful sensory experiences" and they have the added bonus of not endangering the kid's life.

1.02.2004 • 6:17 PM

European Carryall

ELAINE: You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.
JERRY: Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
ELAINE: No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
JERRY: I'm not carrying a purse.
ELAINE It's not a purse. It's European.
Episode #168, The Reverse Peephole

So this guy is a regular shopper at Brookstone, and I remember at least twice that I've rung him up, only to ask him for his ID. Why? Like hundreds of other of idiot shoppers, his credit card isn't signed. Now most times the only "security" I do is to check the signature, so I guarantee that a blank card can be stolen then used before you figure out it's gone. So why not just sign the damn thing? I also get really annoyed with people when they act like I'm inconveniencing them by ASKING for their ID. Look buddy, I'm just trying to watch your back, since you are too foolish to do so yourself.

So back to this guy. He gives me a weird look, whips out his Louis Vuitton man-purse and gets out his Florida driver's license. OK, it matches the name on the card, so I give it back but hold onto the card to make sure it goes through. He's still looking at me weird. I usually make holiday small talk with the customers but at this point I'm a little scared. Damn, that's a big diamond earring in his ear, but I'm more admiring the Jabra Freespeak on his other. He leaves, but he's back about 1/2 hour later and buys something else from another associate. She has a yellow post it note with his signature & the number 99 on it. Some shopper had stopped the guy and gotten his autograph, so in a moment of quick thinking, Krystal got one, too. She had no idea who he was. So here we are, 2 female associates, all from Baltimore, and none of us have any clue that he's a pretty famous Raven. Michael McCrary. He was in the Superbowl. My excuse is I never watch football and was on the West Coast the year Baltimore won. Seems he's crossing paths with a several people I know...my friend did some computer networking at his house for him, and McCrary and friends were at the Power Plant Live & tried to pick up a co-worker of mine. In my mind, he's famous as Mr. Man Purse - Unsigned Credit Card. If he comes in again, I'll card him again.

So I'd been laughing about this all week, and then I go out to Lid's "Bowl Your Balls Off 2003". Good times, good times. The event was at Jillian's in Arundel Mills Mall. I'd only been there once before, to see Vanilla Ice Ice Baby (see Sunday, August 25, 2002).

Thanks to Lid for planning the bowling. As you can see, I had been stricken with a large red ball that I was aching to get rid of. The combo of the disco music, black lights and my Jem t-shirt did the trick to remove it.

It was quite the star-studded event with Jamal Lewis and Vivica Fox bowling their balls off a couple of lanes over. Jamal Lewis had just set the rushing record the day before. I hadn't heard of him before, but I had been online looking up McCrary. To be honest, I'm not even sure which guy he was. I should have asked him for his ID.

1.01.2004 • 5:54 PM

Allée des Célébrités Canadiennes

Did you know Canada has a "Walk of Fame"? I've often been told my Canuck friends how many famous people were from the Great White North. So I went to visit the official website, expecting to be highly impressed.

Instead I was a bit surprised. How could they not include Captain James Tiberius Kirk in the first round of nominees? Or Céline Dion? But there's Bryan "Summer of '69" Adams and Rich Little on the 1998 list. Like the site says, there are thousands of deserving Canucks so I guess it's hard to just pick a few.

And if this is the OFFICIAL site? How come the only thing in French is the title? Qu'est vers le haut avec celui ?