6.08.2004 • 2:56 PM

"There's a Texas Ranger in the basement!"

"Throw down your weapons!"

• 12:02 PM

Mitch Buchanan Returns

Michael Knight was arrested for DUI in a McDonald's parking lot last night. Does anyone eat at McDonald's these days? Hasn't he seen "Supersize Me"?

In other Hasselhoff career advancement news, Website AllHipHop.com reported last month that Ice-T plans to produce a rap album by the thesp, who will assume the moniker Hassel the Hoff for hip-hop purposes.

"The man is a legend, and we are going to show a whole new side of him," Ice-T told Britain's Sun newspaper.

I used to like Ice-T. He seemed like such a nice guy on Law & Order.

Do we really need more white guys doing rap? No one will ever replace Vanilla Ice. The first photo I saw today on Yahoo was Eminem's white ass mooning people at the MTV movie awards. I saw enough Hassel the Hoff ass on BayWatch.

6.07.2004 • 2:55 PM

Feed the Addiction

Pulls Lever (see previous posts)...flipped on TV, Channel 9... WALKER TEXAS RANGER!

I tuned in just in time to see rednecks with machine guns & Walker high kicking in slow motion.

It's better than crack. Conan was my dealer, but now I can get it thanks to USA Networks. This really is one of the funniest shows on TV. And the best part is, it's not meant to be.

6.05.2004 • 4:29 PM

Armageddon, part 3

By special guest blogger, Butthead (Virtuallinda's brother)

staying in the spirits of the recent theatrical masterpiece 10.5, i went to see "the day after tomorrow" with my friends last night. it was a roller coaster of laughs. starting with an absolute boob for a vice president, (by the way mark harmon plays the president of the u.s i'm impressed the way his career has developed since his coors light commercials during the 80's.) to people being knocked in the head with giant hail, the snow in all the scenes are shredded pampers, (i learned that interesting tidbit from the today show) not one, but three hurri-blizzards that have an eye that drops to 150 degrees below zero in seconds. the overall acting brings to mind fond memories of tv soaps.

it never ceases to amaze me the ways hollywood projects the doom of man.

• 1:53 AM

Stupid Complaints

So I bought some Saltine crackers and I've been really pissed because they are too saltly. Seriously, they leave a salty taste for hours, even after drinking gallons of water. It just dawned on me how stupid I would sound if I called Nabisco to complain (which I was considering in a moment of consumer ranting).

When I used to work at the Country Club, one bitchy member sent back her tuna fish for being too fish. The ladies also used to complain about the Old Bay seasoned steamed crabs for being too spicy. Yes, that's Maryland style crabs.

6.01.2004 • 11:58 AM

Top 100 People Surveyed Said

You know you work too much at Brookstone when...

You've seen the preview of "The Terminal" (now showing in stores) 1000 times, but still watch it hoping to see something new. And you do. Then you get excited that your videotape of Days of Our Lives recorded a NEW preview, so you back up the tape to watch it.

While playing the bonus round of Family Feud, you answer the question "Name a product you purchase an extended warranty for" as "Massage Chair".

You know you work too much at a Web Designer when...

While playing the bonus round of Family Feud, you can't answer the question "Name a body part that doesn't function when you first wake up" because your brain is dead after being up all night working on the perfect code.