SB - 97 - 0005 RE: Possible Misuse of Angry Badger Treatment
To: Dr. Merlin Crazy Pappy Presley, MD
Thank you for the information concerning the dangers of "pre-salving." Unfortunately, your expertise comes to late for one of my recent patients. I would like to take a few moments to describe the awful events that occurred so that others may benefit from my mistakes.
Last week, I admitted a patient by the name H. G. Wreckshun. I'm sure all of you are aware of the kind of work we do here at "Dr. Love's Emporium of Well-being and Large Ha-Has," so I wont go into the specifics of Mr. Wreckshun's ailments, but let's just say that a rather painful and tender rash had developed near what we in the business like to refer to as "The Johnson Area." We also refer to it as "the crotchal area," or "down there."
That this rash was an advanced case of a popular STD there was no doubt, however I also noticed what appeared to be the early stages of a nasty case of shingles developing in the same region. Because of this, my staff and I agreed that a liberally pre-salved angry badger (rodentia angrius moistius maxima) would be the best offense against Mr. Wreckshun's multiple conditions.
This turned out to be a disastrous decision. We applied a large amount of a mixture of Gold Bond Powder, Blue Star Ointment and Vagistat to the badger, and applied the animal to the inflamed area as normal. After several seconds of what I can only describe as fuming, the badger ceased to be angry and quickly became criminally insane.
The damage to Mr Wreckshun's crotchal area was extensive, surely ending his career as a Long Underwear model for L.L. Bean, and most likely ending my medical career what with the combined malpractice suites filed by Mr. Wreckshun, L.L. Bean and several old ladies from Portland, Maine totaling in the thousands of dollars.
I hope that the recounting of these events will help to back up your warning about the dangers of pre-salving. Please feel free to pass this along to anyone you see fit.
Thank you and full speed ahead,
Dr. Love Preston Conners, MD, PHD, PCP, THC, O Say Can you See.