In any case, my name is John Paull - same pronunciation as the
Pope's name, but with a slightly different spelling. Two L's instead
of one. I like to kid my nieces and nephews that an easy way to
remember how to spell my name is to take the word 'Hell' and replace
the H and the E with P-A-U. (laughs) Although our names are similar,
I am the StepPope. I fill in for the real Pope when things get
a little crazy for him. I'm coming at you live from the roof of
my wife's house in Timonium, Maryland - a charming little bungalow
I like to call 'Vatican II.' (laughs again) We're about five clicks
north of Baltimore, if you're trying to locate us on your map.
That's about 6400 clicks from Bethlehem, by the way. (another
laugh) I'd hoped that my cat Slick could join us, but he freaked
a little when I brought him up. So, it's just me tonight.
Let me begin by saying Merry Christmas to all of you. This is
a special time for all people, no matter where you live or how
closely you follow the NFL. And speaking of the global community,
I want to apologize for not being able to speak a lot of foreign
languages like the real Pope does. I know it can get a little
confusing for those of you who can't understand a word I'm saying.
In fact, just the other day, I was visiting with a couple of priests
and a bishop when they started talking in Latin. I was like, whew!!!
How about speaking English here, fellas! Gimme a break, for Christ's
sake! They don't pay me enough for this! (laughs) So, I understand
your frustration. I also understand that if I were to start screaming
madly and waving my arms in a frenzied manner right now, half
the world would assume I'm announcing the dawn of the Apocalypse.
So, I'll try not to do that during my message.
It's a beautiful night here in Timonium for my StepPapal message.
The stars are so bright! And if you look straight up, you can
almost see Uranus. (laughs) Just kidding, you won't see Uranus
up there. Seriously though, I imagine it was a night much like
this when Jesus was born. I can just picture those shepherds in
the fields, and the wise men walking around. And that bright star
in the sky guiding them to Bethlehem. It's sort of like when Timonium
Motor Company has a big blowout sale, and they use that searchlight
to attract customers. You can see that light circling around the
sky for miles. And everyone's asking, 'What's up with that light?
Is it some sort of religious sign?' And when they draw near I
laugh and tell them, 'Not unless God is offering special rebates
and 2.9% financing! It's not the Second Coming, folks; it's Timonium
Motor's big year-end clearance sale. They even have special lease
rates on all '97 LeSabres.'
So, the night is perfect for my message to you - a message that
focuses on me. Perhaps a better description of my message is that
it's about how my blessings have been answered this year. You
see, I'm a very lucky man. Even though I lack the verbal skills
needed to communicate with worshipers in faraway lands, I'm trained
in a number of other areas that more than compensate for my language
shortcomings - areas that include horseback riding, ice dancing,
and waltzing. Plus, my stepson is teaching me how to drive a tank.
Pretty powerful stuff, in my opinion.
Well, this year I decided to combine some of my skills to form
what I like to call a 'hybrid hobbie.' I decided to attempt what
no man - certainly no StepPope - has ever attempted: horseback
ice dancing. A word of caution to you children watching, however.
Do not try this at home. In fact, do not try this anywhere. A
second word of caution to all you curious adults: if you feel
that you must emulate my behavior and try this hobbie, there are
two words you MUST keep in mind. Thick ice. It is a simple requirement,
but one that is absolutely essential.
Now, without going into great detail, I'll try to summarize what
horseback ice dancing is all about, and what the sport means to
me. First of all, once you have dressed the horse in the customary
shear white skater's shirt with red undergarments - ...
[Satellite feed is abruptly terminated, Cardinal Byrd reappears
on camera.]
